life through pink colour glasses: Something New

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Something New

Tis December. The season to be jolly, start thinking about how to handle the whole New Year saga, attend three weddings a day if you’re in India and *gulp* reflect on what you’ve achieved in the past year. Usually, if the wedding food hasn’t killed you, the reflecting will make you wish it had. And before you know it, you’re pulling out that list you wrote your resolutions on, turning it over and writing a pithy little suicide note. I can’t okay!!! I give up.

This year, in order to save many an attempted suicide and to try and up the bloody “jolly” quotient, I propose an amendment to this whole New Year resolution ritual. A minor one I assure you, I’m hardly here to make a sweeping change or anything, I gave up on that resolution while I was still in my teens.

So without further ado, here’s presenting, New Year Resolutions, with a touch of pink. The basic principles will remain the same and in keeping with the whole spirit of new year, new beginnings and new hopes, you will still be required to make resolutions. Only this year you make these resolutions not for yourself, but for others.

Not impressed yet? That’s because you’re getting fooled by its simplicity. This is how it works: you make a nice healthy list of what you’d like improved in the world, your life, your neighbourhood park, whatever! And since you’re humble enough to realise your own shortcomings you float this list out into the public and anyone who thinks he or she can help can choose a resolution and start working on it.

The merits are many:
* You’re starting the New Year on a positive, progressive note.
* In keeping with the current trend, you’re harbouring dreams and aspirations and refusing to be satisfied with what you have.
* You have the option for making resolutions for others, making this the first truly selfless list of its kind.
* At the end of the year, when you compare the list with actual results you find that some of the resolutions have been carried out. At this point, you’ll feel a surge of joy and pride at coming up with the innovative idea and having the strength to let go of it and allow others to take a bash at it. There might be some items on your list that are left unresolved. Oh well, you shrug your shoulders and sigh, you did your bit. The others failed, they’re fallible, you’re fine.

Since its still early December, I’ve just about started working on my list. But I will share it with you just to give you an idea of what I’m talking about (in case that lengthy explanation above wasn’t enough), of what’s allowed (everything) and hopefully for someone to pick up an item off the list and start working on it right away.

Pink’s list of New Year Resolutions (for others) 2006-07

Invent 100% fat free chocolate, cheese and fat in general. A good example of how a resolution can benefit you as well as millions of other people around the world.

Governments are alarmed, doctors are worried, Oprah is concerned and Vandana Luthra has made too much money off us. I say enough is enough. This obesity epidemic must be stopped. And frankly, waiting around for people to develop the ability to say no to cookies or drag themselves out of bed to go jogging is getting us nowhere.

If we really care about the weight of the world, why not just go to the root of the problem? Instead of battling the fat, just remove it! Take it out of the confectionaries, the soft drinks, the mithai, the fried alloo tikkis, the cheesey pastas and let the people eat already! Imagine a world without people sweating and wheezing unattractively over a treadmill, a world without harassed moms running behind their kids with beans and carrots because chocolates are just too unhealthy. No more sauna belts and hideous before and after animations on TV.

Everyone will look better, be healthier, live longer and most importantly, they’ll be happier.

So while I understand the importance of cancer research and alternate sources of fuel, I propose a large chunk of research money be allocated towards this far more worthy and important cause. Starting 1st January 2007.

Invent odourless cigarettes. An unselfish resolution for a different demographic of people altogether.

This one’s for teenage kids who’ve taken up smoking and are still living at home. How long will they smoke in the loo with the exhaust fan on? How many bottles of perfume will they waste on trying to purify the air? How many mints can one teenager ingest to make sure all smells are eradicated? And how about the mental anguish of worrying about being found out? It’s not even possible to put a price on that…

Tobacco companies are making billions off their young customers and what have they given back? Pictures of a cowboy in the desert?! That’s just not going to cut it anymore. The kids want change, they want product development. They don’t care if you come out with mild or menthol or raspberry flavoured cigarretes. Give them a cigarette that doesn’t leave a tell-tale stink behind it and then you’ll really be making a difference.

Come out with a knee-length saree and make it fashionable. Very personal and dear to my heart.

I can’t. I’ve tried and it’s really really difficult. The saree is an impossibly hard-to-manage outfit to begin with, the availability of the safety pin notwithstanding. You have to make sure everything stays in the right place without slipping off, manipulate those tricky pleats, try and maintain a flat tummy if you really want to look good and to make sure it falls well; you have to wear it with high heels.

Last Sunday, at a wedding, I very nearly got my saree entangled in my heels while going up some stairs. Usually at such times I lift the saree up to my knees to make sure no such accidents occur but this was at the wedding and hitching it up all that distance would just not have been acceptable.

That’s when it occurred to me. If we can have innovative blouses and sometimes even no blouses, why can’t our designers develop the saree a little? If the Victorian dress evolved over the years to a micro mini, why can’t the saree also rise to the needs of clumsy folk like me?

This new year I want some big designer to design the mini saree and a bunch of trend setters and celebrities to wear it and make the outfit of the year.

Be more charitable towards not necessarily deserving people. This resolution is only for cash rich people, with a taste for something new.

Giving money to the needy is all very noble but there’s something fun about giving money towards the not-obviously-worthy.

For instance, I probably belong to the middle to slightly upper middle social strata. I make decent money, party at good clubs, shop at mid-level chains like Benetton, Esprit etc. But unfortunately, due to my good education, cable subscription and ability to travel I’m also very aware of what else is out there. When I go to five star hotels to use the loo I pass by the Louis Vuitton boutique and as much as I try I’m unable to avert my eyes. The budget hotels I stay at when travelling are usually heart-breakingly close to posh 7 stars. The Travel and Living Channel has brought into my bedroom a whole new world of wine and cheeses. And what can I say about VH1’s Fabulous Life? It just makes you realise how not fabulous your own life is and how it would be better to just end it.

At such a time, if a rich person with a quirky sense of humour decided to part over a small teeny tiny bit of his or health towards me, imagine my happiness! And if you can make even one person happy, isn’t it worth it?

So you’ve got a gist of what I’m talking about. Small desires, big dreams, your list can include anything. It’s about putting ideas out there, it’s about saying what’s in your heart, it’s about making a start.

I would also like to request everyone to maintain a few seconds of silence to grieve the loss of Max, George Clooney's pet pig. (Actually you probably have been silently reading all this time so it's alright then, you may talk.)

George, I'd like you to know that at this difficult time, I'm here for you and am willing to comfort you in any fashion you'd like. If you're feeling the loss of your dear pet, I'm willing to hang with you in your house and punctuate my conversation with an oink oink here and an oink oink there. I know its a little unorthodox, I'm just saying...

Also a special shout out for my friend Rocket, who's birthday it is today. Have a good one darling!!!!!

Posted by that girl in pink | 1:49 pm | 42 comments

42 Comments

at 2:34 pm lemontree said...: Superb post pink! and i would want to contribute geberously to the cause of 1. I even volunteer to be the guinea pig on whom the developed products may be tried (lol)! all to alleviate unneccessary buldges and keep things light!
at 6:01 pm Spicy Chai said...: Thank you :) Trawled through your blog today and thoroughly enjoyed myself.
at 7:42 pm Deliciously Alive said...: My only resolution for 2007 is to read Pink’s blog 25 times a day instead of just the usual 10 because it makes me grin like a loon, and Bless you for that, Girl!:)))
at 8:03 pm Vijayeta said...: *Standing ovation*
I'm glad you've zeroed in on what ails the likes of us and how we could work towards the betterment of those situations... And i cant tell you how bloody deprived Fabulous Life makes me feel! Seriously!
And all those posh luxury labels we look so longingly at are completely worth every penny. I recently "borrowed" some stuff from Ferragamo for a shoot and I didnt have the heart to return the stuff without at least trying it on myself just once. Guess what? The shoes were such dreamy buttery leather and made me look like a million bucks. I'm proud of my strength of character when I took them off and went to return them.
Sigh! And come to think, there are people in this world who'd just buy those $1000 boots to wear them ONCE!

P.S. Heyyyy Lemontree!! Where've you been, woman???
:)
at 1:29 pm Lalit Singh said...: AWWWWWWWWw
arent u sweet?

fat free choc, odourless ciggies....
God Bless you woman!!!
at 6:57 pm Iris said...: Hahaha! This is SO SO funny:-) I am gonna join the bandwagon and be a regular here now!
Yeah,I agree, why dont they simply pull up the lengths of a sari.....Id love to wear one such at some family wedding and scandalise all my relatives:pp
at 11:21 pm Anonymous said...: My first visit here...from Nessa's place. Was drawn in with the color P.I.N.K. My new favorite color. I was doing pretty well until I got stranded in the Vandana Luthra link. (I'm computer illiterate, and didn't know what to do to get out) Now, your attempt at making this resolution list is wholly commendable and I applaud your efforts...If I may, I would like to add my two-cents worth... I've just learned that the fat from the 'body fat suction' process can now be used as a fuel for our cars.
So, maybe, just leave the fat in the chocolate and cheese. We might not have an energy crisis on our hands. For the odorless cigarettes, maybe make them chocolate flavored so people will eat them instead of smoke them. For the saree problem, have you tried duct tape? I totally agree with the last one. Charity for the Swampwitch...
at 9:55 am mad angles said...: LOL! I have another suggestion for that list - CREATE BLOGROLL!!!!!

and ahem oink, oink.
at 3:46 pm william, the bloody said...: hey.. good to have u back.. i kinda stopped chceking after a while, till i saw ur comment..
at 4:41 am Nessa said...: Pink: I'm glad to see something new and a fantastic idea it is too.

I am looking for a rich donar, too. I am a worthy cause.

I don't know why, but the idea that George Clooney had a pig for a pet freaked me out.
at 10:06 pm twip said...: Pink, I've eaten fat free cheese. And I think it tastes like a cross between um wet cottonwool and old stale soggy bread. You dont want to eat that. No siree, you dont.

:)
at 11:17 pm Nautilus said...: As usual yet another wonderful post Pink! But you don't want 100% fat-free choclate and cheese! I've had the misfortune of tasting both...the 100%fat-free and sugar free chocolate tastes like a lump of mud and the fat free cheese like chalk...disgusting!!!!
And which planet have you been on all these years...Hindi film costume designers invented the mini-saree atleast half-a-century ago! Remember Saira Banu, Mumtaaz, Mala Sinha pretending to be the shy gaon ki gori and cavorting around in those obscenely tight mini-saree creations?!Do you really want to wear one of those? :-)
at 7:19 am shub said...: wake me up when #1's done!
siiiiiiiiiiiigh!
at 11:50 am that girl in pink said...: Thanks lemon, and welcome back to the world of blogging! i thought you'd appreciate 1 as well. high time they developed something, don't you think?

thanks spicy chai!

quicksilver: *blush* you're too kind. tee hee!

yeah vij, we are suffering from the curse of the middle class. water water everywhere, can't afford any to drink...

lalit: really quite generous of me eh?

iris: oh those damn sarees! and if you atempt wearing those thermal inner things under it (like i did a couple of days back), you really are completely screwed.
at 3:04 pm freespirit said...: Fat free chocolate tastes like cardboard and I agree with Punkster on the fat-free cheese. The invention has to be "fat-free but with no changes in taste" chocolates and cheese.
And yeah...what's it with hot guys and weird pets eh?
at 5:21 pm Anonymous said...: "Be more charitable towards not necessarily deserving people."

I wish this would come true. no, not with you but with me.

Arunima
at 10:27 pm that girl in pink said...: swampwitch: ;-) your idea of chocolate flavoured ciggies is definitely less harmful than mine.
do come back!

essar!: one person who gets why its not weird to want be a hog.

pwf: thanks for dropping by! and i will update more often.

hey nessa: yeah, that does seem to be everyone's favourite resolution!
george clooney is so hot that he's allowed hsi quirks, even if it that means having a pig as a pet.

punkster: no no! you're not getting it. none of the fat, but ALL of the taste!!! the common man will never know it has no fat until he turns the wrapper and sees the nutrition info. and what a nice surprise that'll be...:)

tee hee nautilius, you're right! i totally forgot about those silly village belle outfits. oh god, they were awful!!! i don't want them back!

will do shub! :)
at 4:46 pm Anonymous said...: I certainly like the idea of making resolutions for other people, and telling them exactly how they can improve themselves. In fact, I already do it all the time, but this way, I can do it in the spirit of improving the world.

So today I'm going to tell my colleague that her hairstyle makes her look like something particularly vile has died on her head, and if she can't fix it or pay a proper stylist to resuscitate the beast, she should just shave it all off, because life's too short to look so friggin' hideous - and Happy New Year!
at 11:16 pm teacup said...: I feel like an absolute devil...but mwahahhaha...u fat people! you want to eat chocolates and ice-creams and mithai and umn...all those fattening stuff!mwahahha...I dont! I feel above all you mortals...the things is I somehow can't eat sweets. My only fav in sweets is rasmalai and even that I can't go beyond two!! haven't eaten a chocolates in ages...Icecreams...well, but they are not that fattenin no?:)

umn...I'd like fat free cheese tho:)

(BTW, first visit here, liked your blog:)pink not my fav color, but liked this shade of pink:))
at 1:05 am heh? ok said...: reading your post has made me crave chocolates and cheese filled italian food in the middle of the night...darn!
at 10:10 pm Anonymous said...: My new year resolution is to find as many pics of beautiful women as I can and post them on my blog for all to see and admire. Of course, no nudity included. Just plain beauty!!
at 3:48 pm Anonymous said...: But when are you going to be writing again?
at 7:40 pm that girl in pink said...: hey freespirit! you got it right. none of the fat, ALL of the taste!!

arunima, i'm in line first! not that anyone's planning to dole out any cash towards us...:(

jay: so didja tell her? you kind hearted thing you...

hi thereyashita! envy you for your natural aversion towards chocolates. wish i had such tastes in life.
thanks for the compliment! :)

heyheh? ok! :) sorry for bringing on the hunger pangs. its the damn cold weather. makes you wanna eat and eat and eat!

umi b: hmmm...i'm sure you'll be fulfilling the wishes of a lot of people out there. who know? maybe seeing those beautiful women will naturally put me off the fatty stuff i crave!
at 5:03 pm claytonia vices said...: hmmmm... nice blog!
at 7:51 am Nessa said...: Wishing you the best for a happy, healthy New Year.
at 3:01 pm Anonymous said...: Pink!!!

Thank you so much for the burde wishes - love ya! Also, thank you for hand-holding my dear boyfriend while he went thru an ordeal trying to figure out the right gift ;) God bless you!

By the way, you blog is on my list of must reads everyday - so you better get around to updating it more frequently. I've been lazy with posting comments but i promise to improve if you write more often :)

Err, abt the odourless ciggies - i can see how it'll benefit you in particular *evil grin*

-Rocket a.k.a. UrPublicist
at 3:22 pm that girl in pink said...: thanks claytonia vices!

same to you nessa!!

publicist: you're welcome darling! it was my pleasure really. wish i could make a career out of helping people shop. :)
at 12:57 pm That Armchair Philosopher said...: just stumbled by.. makes for some interesting reading :)

cheerio
at 11:05 pm Neethi Bhat said...: chocolates are fun only cuz they've got all that fat and u know consuming 'em is not gonna result in a flattering waistline but u wanna anyway. It's the forbidden fruit syndrome. Sigh, why does life have to be so hard?
at 5:44 pm Anonymous said...: LOl...loved the post, liked the blog. Happy new year. Oh and I think Bollywood already invented the mini-saree...check out all the semi-mythologicals/gaon ki gori-shehri babu kind of stories, the heroine is always in some knee-length white cotton thing with flowers everywhere else.
at 8:25 pm Anonymous said...: Come on Pink! Happy New Year! Now this is what I don't like about you..your hiatus every month...come out now, write something
at 8:24 pm Jenn said...: Happy New Year Pink! High as a kite. That's the way to be.
at 5:23 pm Grey Shades said...: Oy! Wish you a great new 2007 lady! Hope all is well! BTW like your idea abt the shortened sari! :)
at 11:22 am Anonymous said...: dear cuz, feel so proud of your superior abilities to increase people's blood supply by 1 kg per reading (translation of a certain hindi muhavara).. just passed by to check if you had written something new and was delighted to find this hilarious piece.. ! RJ
at 2:51 pm Deliciously Alive said...: I'm sorry Pink but monthly blog installments just wont do in 2007!
Please put up something new ASAP!

;))))))))))
at 6:50 am twip said...: New post! New post!
at 6:38 pm Kusum Rohra said...: Stumbled on ur blog as part of my blog hopping exercise for loony mela. I plan to link this post and also your how advertising improved ur vocab post, you got any suggestions to link something else by you?
at 1:38 pm wiseling said...: My first visit here and rather intrigued.. You write really well.. Nice post :)
at 2:55 am Unknown said...: imperative: you MUST post more!!!
at 1:14 pm shub said...: post post!
at 10:57 pm Nessa said...: You have to change the title of your post.
at 6:12 pm Sue said...: Isn't it about time for a post??