45 minutes later she stood preening at herself in front of the mirror. White pants, silvery blue tube top, new wedge heels, light summer make up, plenty of lip gloss and silver ear rings that complemented her top just right. Lovely. Dressing for a private party was always tricky. One couldn’t go over the top bling, one couldn’t dress too casually either. It had to be that perfect balance in between, one that screamed, “I’m just naturally stylish and could wear a sack and look gorgeous.” It just usually took an hour and a half to achieve this look. 45 minutes was a proud achievement.

She yelled out to him to for a final thumbs up. Not like I care what he thinks. Guys haven’t a clue what makes a woman attractive.

“Well?” she enquired.

“You look very cute,” he said coming toward her to give her a kiss.

“Cute?”

“Pretty…really pretty. You hair is very shiny,” he ventured. Damn, they should teach you this stuff in college.

“Ok listen,” she said, neatly offering her cheek for the kiss. All that lip-gloss wasn’t going to be used up before they even left. “Now I plan to breathe only once every 3 minutes tonight. Cuz my tummy looks a little bad if I exhale. I’ll need some help from you.”

“Sure, I’ll save the oxygen suppliers number on my speed dial.”

“Oh you’re so funny. Why don’t you send that joke to Reader’s Digest ‘Life’s Like That’?” she retorted, flashing him a scathing look, “Ok seriously, if sometime in between I forget to hold my breath in give me a sign that I need to suck my paunch back in.”

“Okaaay…”

“Alright, so the sign is, you round your lips as if you’re going to whistle. Don’t actually whistle. Just lip synch it.”

“Cool. Should we go now?”

“Yup. Baby, you’re sure I don’t look fat na? Be honest cuz I feel I look a little fat.”

“No, you don’t look fat at all.” This answer he knew well.

“Cool!” Thank God she’d taught him this answer well.

“All that’s important is that you feel comfortable.”

“What?”

Dammit! Why did he have to add his two bit? Why couldn’t he just stick to what he’d been taught?


Half an hour later they were finally in the car. The Rolling Stones were lamenting their lack of satisfaction on the music system and the irony wasn’t lost on either of them.

She looked at him and decided it was time to go over the designated signs again, “Ok, there has to be an amendment to our sign language for the night. This halter-top that I’m wearing tends to go a little deep at the back. So I need you to keep checking my back from time to time to see if my bra strap is showing. If it is, just tap your right shoulder twice and I’ll know I need to fix it.”

“Gotcha!”

“And you remember all the other signs right? What if I have a piece of food stuck in my teeth?”

“I...um tap my teeth three times?”

“No!! You have to be subtle. You run you hand over your mouth lightly.” Prices of every car in all four major cities he remembers, this he forgets in five minutes!

She tried testing him again, “What if I’m sitting and my pants are too low rise?”

“I know this! I yell Butt Crack Alert!” he burst out laughing; butt cracks always cracked him. ‘Cracked him up’! He laughed harder at his own private joke.

From her seat she saw a grown man in peals of laughter over a posterior joke. She would take the high road, she decided, and love him for the imbecile he was. Through it all, she would continue to try and polish him till a diamond of her specifications emerged. He was her mission in life, why she’d been put on this earth.

Unable to ignore the constant stare coming from his left, he sobered up and tried to pacify her, “Ok Ok ask me more sign related questions. I promise I won’t fool around.”

She started off with a difficult one, “What does it mean if I tap my glass with my fingers?”

“You’re bored with whoever you are and immediately need rescuing.”

Not bad. “What if I lift my glass up?”

“Your drink needs a refill.”

“What if I shake my head twice from side to side?”

“Your feet are hurting and we need to find a place to sit!”

“And if I nod my head twice?”

“You’re bored of the party and want to get out pronto!”

Smiling from ear to ear she leaned over and gave him a giant hug. Still no kiss, lip-gloss could never be forgotten, even in the most euphoric moments. “Great baby! We’re all set for the party, huh?”

He smiled and gave her a thumbs-up sign.

“What does that stand for?” she asked, frantically flipping through her mental sign book.

“It’s a thumbs up,” he frowned.

Huh?

“It means…yes,” he frowned harder.

“Oh! When did we come up with that one?”

“We didn’t. It’s been around for decades.”

“Oh. Yeah.”

They were now approaching the venue when she suddenly remembered something, “I forget Payal's husband's name.”

“Vivek. You've met him a hundred times!”

“I remember him. Just forgot his name. I don't know why parents give their children such common names that are so easy to forget. When we have kids we're naming them Vanishikha, Zoya and Tatiana.”

“We're having three kids?”

“Uh huh. Didn't you know that?”

He takes in a deep breath, “And they're all girls?”

“Yeah, India's sex ratio is so bad I feel we owe it to the country to fix it.”

“And we don't owe it to the country to reduce the population problem?”

She checked her lip-gloss in the rear view mirror one last time before it was time to get out, “Well, you gotta pick your battles.”

He looked out of the window with a resigned expression on his brow and a hand going helplessly through his hair. The man on the bike next to him saw it. And knew exactly what the sign meant.

Posted by that girl in pink  | 4:54 pm  |  24 comments  

24 Comments

at 8:25 pm  Jenn said...

I was gonna quote Saussure and what he said about signs but am a leetle tipsy and can't remember what he said.

Very cute story. Are you freelancing? Are you working on your novel part time?

Was that your husband? Do I look fat in this troussers? I do? Bless you, child.

 

at 10:13 pm  Hyde said...

Reminds me of the monologues I had with Phoebus.

Hyde: When I wiggle my index finger, what does it mean?

Phoebus the dog promptly sits.

Hyde: When I say Roll over, what does it mean?

Phoebus the dog grumbles and rolls over.

 

at 11:55 pm  Vijayeta said...

I'm with you completely on this one! It's so imporatnt to have sign language like this to assert and maintain one's high coolness quotient. Men will NEVER, NEVER, EVER understand the problems that arise 'cos of food stuck between teeth, pants going too low rise or bra strap showing from under the halter etc. I always dread to be at the receiving and unflattering end of a post-party post-mortem that happens ALWAYS and EVERY TIME after every party!
And the diamond can at least do this for a woman to really shine in her good books. Cant he?

 

at 1:36 am  Nessa said...

Very funny.

I can just see them looking at each other like they will never get one another, but they'll keep trying : )

 

at 3:51 am  It's me said...

Totally funny! Can actually picture the whole thing.

 

at 8:33 am  Ar Ar Ar Arrrrr said...

Hahaha....
Gives nice tips on how to handle wimmen when they keep on bugging you with "Do I look fat" related Q's ;)

and yes....the sign language...hehehe..tht was way too funny :)

 

at 9:14 am  shub said...

hehehe :)

 

at 12:37 pm  lemontree said...

lovely post pink. and the shining the diamond bit is just too vivid.

 

at 10:50 pm  Nessa said...

btw, love this look too.

 

at 10:57 am  mad angles said...

hehe nice :)

 

at 11:14 am  that girl in pink said...

jenn : i went and googled saussure and found a bunch of quotes by him on the subject. so u managed to say what u wanted to, despite the tipsy bit!
regarding your other questions, freelancing-yes, novel-i wish!

hyde : who you calling a dawg??

dee : :-)

vij : looking good has become too important, don't you think? sometimes i feel like we're in the movie "clueless". self involved, materialistic and totally clueless.

goldennib : yeah, they try. that's the best they can do! :-)
and i'm so glad you like the new template. designed by yours truly!

its me : he he

arz00n: you know how women and "do i look fat" questions can be...

shub : glad you found it funny shub. :)


lemon : ;-)


gutterspace : u must! it's most necessary. of course halfway thru, the boyfriend's mind would've wandered off somewhere so all those well rehearsed signs tend to be a bit of a waste.

essar: thanks essar!

 

at 2:44 pm  Sue said...

The husband (who had 2 yrs of being a boyfriend to get it right by now) is still at the stage where being asked if I look fat flurries him. He takes a moment, a deep breath if I'm lucky, and looks faintly hunted and hurriedly exclaims (a minute late) "Of course not!"

I've decided, the next time he asks me how one of his sites looks will be time I get my revenge...

 

at 12:21 am  twip said...

Ive tried this sign language technique with one of my friends(not boyfriend) and it NEVER seems to work!
As soon as we reached the party, he promptly forgot all the signs I taught him, and he proceeded to drown himself in alcohol...:(

Bah. Im just not lucky like that sometimes. I mean hello, how hard is it to remember a few signs?

 

at 11:48 am  Ar Ar Ar Arrrrr said...

Any sequel for this post??

 

at 1:09 pm  Indianpeppone said...

Classy... very classy

My 'friend' tried hard to train me once.... But after an hour in any party, the only few sings that i remember are guaranteed to make me a benedict monk. :-)

 

at 12:35 am  that girl in pink said...

sue : men are non-learners by nature. 30 years from now they still won't know how to answer that question. just like i'll never figure out what they find so exciting in 20 minute movie car chases. mars and venus i suppose!

megh : well, this account is highly exaggerated and fictionalised. the one sign that we do have is the "food stuck in teeth" one. we came up with that after he once discreetly gestured to me that i had a piece of spinach stuck on my tooth. my calling out my name across the table, opening his mouth in a wide smile like fashion and tapping his teeth with his fork.

arz00n : honoured that you wanna read a sequel. :-) one coming up, just for you, very soon!

indianpeppone : thanks for the compliment. and hey, once you've douused yourself with enough alcohol, who cares if your butt crack is exposed!

 

at 5:13 pm  Hyde said...

Whoever behaves like one? ;-)

 

at 5:13 pm  Hyde said...

Talking about 20min car chases, have you seen The Driver?

 

at 5:43 pm  that girl in pink said...

hi hyde : ignoring your first comment :P
the driver...hmmm...first of all, it's called the driver , i'd rather pick up a dvd about butchering pigs than watch a movie that promises a one and a half hour car chase with one and half dialogues.

but i'm not totally without hope. have you heard of BMW's short films called the driver? they all feature clive owen driving a bmw, in some whacky story or other. each of the films has been directed by major directors like guy ritchie, ang lee etc. most enjoyable! of course that also has to do with the fact that each is about 5 minutes long, which is my threshold for car based films.

 

at 9:22 pm  Hyde said...

Not to mention 5 minutes of eye-candy.

 

at 10:09 pm  A and A said...

HAHAHA!!! This one had me in splits girl!!! HE has all my sympathies! *fastly running away* :D

 

at 1:10 pm  Achtlandia said...

mindblowing! my guy still dsnt remember d signs, but everytime he forgets, he has dis special sign that thankfully, he never forgets. it's the one for 'i love you!'

 

at 3:44 pm  Cyberswami said...

fantastic. great post.

 

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