Friday, September 16, 2005
Satyajit Ray, eat this.
There are some things in life that simply cannot be taught. I suppose they can be taught, but actually learning them can be quite impossible. Cooking a decent meal; saving money; reversing your car out of a narrow, winding road flanked by trees and other cars (my office); singing without homicidal side effects; sticking to a diet…you get my drift.
But fortunately there are a few seemingly difficult tasks that are really no big deal at all. Making a hit Hindi movie for instance. Bollywood (hate that word but it’s shorter than ‘Hindi film industry’ so am just going to use it for now) producers, take heed, this one’s for you.
Lesson 1: Casting.
Thin thin thin. The first thing you need to be looking at when casting for your film is what shape your leading actors are in. And no, round is not a shape. We want actors with minimal flesh covering their bones and the desire to flash all of it.
Must kiss clause. All of you who thought Indians were prudes can just kiss my ass! And if you don’t want to, I know plenty of actors who’ll do it. Nothing titillates the public more than uncomfortable, badly picturised kissing scenes. When casting, make sure your lead actors are willing to pucker up for the camera. It’ll not only sell tickets but will also put young, as yet inexperienced teenagers (are there any inexperienced teenagers?) off kissing. What better way is there to halt the growing immorality problem that sweeps our country?
Lesson 2: Costumes.
Should cover only basic body parts. God gave us limbs so we could flaunt them. So let’s not go against the will of the maker. It’s all very mathematical. 75% of the movie should have the male lead topless. When he does cover up, only sleeveless, strappy numbers will suffice.
Women can under no under circumstances not be showing at least 60% of their bodies. I don’t care if it’s snowing in the scene. She must be wearing strapless tops and shorts/mini skirts always.
Designer names only. Rule of thumb: Big bold branded names that can be seen by the viewer sitting in the last row of the theatre. Spend some time on your shots and figure out maximum spots where the designer’s name can be flaunted. Underwear straps, socks, belts, cell phone covers, nail polish remover…leave no spot untouched by a Gucci/Prada label. Your main protagonist maybe a radio jockey struggling to pay rent. That should in no way be reflected in her inability to buy only the top labels. This is a movie for God’s sake. Any resemblance to reality is to be strictly avoided.
Lesson 3: Storyline.
Love. There are enough problems in the world without movies adding to them. If you want a hit film, please make sure it revolves around the love life of the aforementioned flesh-challenged couple. And it must end with the twosome getting married or at least engaged. We have no time for relationships that don’t work out. Leave that to the real world please.
Comic relief. Over the top characters with outrageous dialogue are as essential to your film as a cameraman. Don’t fret if they don’t fit into the main construct of your film. There’s always place for bizarre best friends, landlords, doctors etc.
Foreign locations. See, we live in India and most of us can’t afford trips abroad. So make sure you set your film in an exotic foreign land. Of course every character in the film, from the taxi driver to restaurant owner to medical practioner, will be Indian but that’s totally believable. Like the saying goes, you can find a potato and an Indian in every corner of the world. (Or is that, a potato and a punju? I’m confused now…)
Morals. Pre-marital sex will lead to pregnancy. Dammit, we’re Indians and either we’re extra fertile before marriage or we always end up using defective condoms. Whatever it is, you have to make sure that if your loose moraled heroine allows for physical contact without the bond of holy matrimony she will damn well be punished for it.
And again, since she is Indian she will not stoop so low as to abort. In a successful Hindi movie, you do not need to be financially/mentally/spiritually ready to have a baby. Motherhood is the greatest gift you can get and must not be rejected at any cost.
Lesson 4: Miscellaneous.
Music. I’m sure I do not need to stress upon the importance of pointless songs after every twenty minutes of the movie. Whether you’re celebrating new found love, grieving a lost one or buying ice cream, why speak when you can sing?
National integration. Get as many characters from different parts of the country as you can. And make sure that even after living in a foreign land for most of their lives the do not lose their accents. After all, since we don’t get to hear these accents in real life, we may as well enjoy them on screen. Inspiration. Don't forget to get inspired by an American movie and copy entire sequences from a succesful romantic comdey. If it worked for the yanks, it's got to work for us, right?
I think I have pretty much covered every aspect to the making of a successful film. With my entire thesis being based on a recent viewing of “Salaam Namaste” you can be assured I’m not just speaking through my hat. So go ahead and make you mark in Bollywood. Just excuse me if I don’t make it to the premiere.
Posted by that girl in pink
| 5:08 pm
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1 comments
1 Comments
- at 7:19 am said...
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Hello. And Bye.
said...