name: that girl in pink
location: Somewhere, India
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Thursday, December 07, 2006

Something New

Tis December. The season to be jolly, start thinking about how to handle the whole New Year saga, attend three weddings a day if you’re in India and *gulp* reflect on what you’ve achieved in the past year. Usually, if the wedding food hasn’t killed you, the reflecting will make you wish it had. And before you know it, you’re pulling out that list you wrote your resolutions on, turning it over and writing a pithy little suicide note. I can’t okay!!! I give up.

This year, in order to save many an attempted suicide and to try and up the bloody “jolly” quotient, I propose an amendment to this whole New Year resolution ritual. A minor one I assure you, I’m hardly here to make a sweeping change or anything, I gave up on that resolution while I was still in my teens.

So without further ado, here’s presenting, New Year Resolutions, with a touch of pink. The basic principles will remain the same and in keeping with the whole spirit of new year, new beginnings and new hopes, you will still be required to make resolutions. Only this year you make these resolutions not for yourself, but for others.

Not impressed yet? That’s because you’re getting fooled by its simplicity. This is how it works: you make a nice healthy list of what you’d like improved in the world, your life, your neighbourhood park, whatever! And since you’re humble enough to realise your own shortcomings you float this list out into the public and anyone who thinks he or she can help can choose a resolution and start working on it.

The merits are many:
* You’re starting the New Year on a positive, progressive note.
* In keeping with the current trend, you’re harbouring dreams and aspirations and refusing to be satisfied with what you have.
* You have the option for making resolutions for others, making this the first truly selfless list of its kind.
* At the end of the year, when you compare the list with actual results you find that some of the resolutions have been carried out. At this point, you’ll feel a surge of joy and pride at coming up with the innovative idea and having the strength to let go of it and allow others to take a bash at it. There might be some items on your list that are left unresolved. Oh well, you shrug your shoulders and sigh, you did your bit. The others failed, they’re fallible, you’re fine.

Since its still early December, I’ve just about started working on my list. But I will share it with you just to give you an idea of what I’m talking about (in case that lengthy explanation above wasn’t enough), of what’s allowed (everything) and hopefully for someone to pick up an item off the list and start working on it right away.

Pink’s list of New Year Resolutions (for others) 2006-07

Invent 100% fat free chocolate, cheese and fat in general. A good example of how a resolution can benefit you as well as millions of other people around the world.

Governments are alarmed, doctors are worried, Oprah is concerned and Vandana Luthra has made too much money off us. I say enough is enough. This obesity epidemic must be stopped. And frankly, waiting around for people to develop the ability to say no to cookies or drag themselves out of bed to go jogging is getting us nowhere.

If we really care about the weight of the world, why not just go to the root of the problem? Instead of battling the fat, just remove it! Take it out of the confectionaries, the soft drinks, the mithai, the fried alloo tikkis, the cheesey pastas and let the people eat already! Imagine a world without people sweating and wheezing unattractively over a treadmill, a world without harassed moms running behind their kids with beans and carrots because chocolates are just too unhealthy. No more sauna belts and hideous before and after animations on TV.

Everyone will look better, be healthier, live longer and most importantly, they’ll be happier.

So while I understand the importance of cancer research and alternate sources of fuel, I propose a large chunk of research money be allocated towards this far more worthy and important cause. Starting 1st January 2007.

Invent odourless cigarettes. An unselfish resolution for a different demographic of people altogether.

This one’s for teenage kids who’ve taken up smoking and are still living at home. How long will they smoke in the loo with the exhaust fan on? How many bottles of perfume will they waste on trying to purify the air? How many mints can one teenager ingest to make sure all smells are eradicated? And how about the mental anguish of worrying about being found out? It’s not even possible to put a price on that…

Tobacco companies are making billions off their young customers and what have they given back? Pictures of a cowboy in the desert?! That’s just not going to cut it anymore. The kids want change, they want product development. They don’t care if you come out with mild or menthol or raspberry flavoured cigarretes. Give them a cigarette that doesn’t leave a tell-tale stink behind it and then you’ll really be making a difference.

Come out with a knee-length saree and make it fashionable. Very personal and dear to my heart.

I can’t. I’ve tried and it’s really really difficult. The saree is an impossibly hard-to-manage outfit to begin with, the availability of the safety pin notwithstanding. You have to make sure everything stays in the right place without slipping off, manipulate those tricky pleats, try and maintain a flat tummy if you really want to look good and to make sure it falls well; you have to wear it with high heels.

Last Sunday, at a wedding, I very nearly got my saree entangled in my heels while going up some stairs. Usually at such times I lift the saree up to my knees to make sure no such accidents occur but this was at the wedding and hitching it up all that distance would just not have been acceptable.

That’s when it occurred to me. If we can have innovative blouses and sometimes even no blouses, why can’t our designers develop the saree a little? If the Victorian dress evolved over the years to a micro mini, why can’t the saree also rise to the needs of clumsy folk like me?

This new year I want some big designer to design the mini saree and a bunch of trend setters and celebrities to wear it and make the outfit of the year.

Be more charitable towards not necessarily deserving people. This resolution is only for cash rich people, with a taste for something new.

Giving money to the needy is all very noble but there’s something fun about giving money towards the not-obviously-worthy.

For instance, I probably belong to the middle to slightly upper middle social strata. I make decent money, party at good clubs, shop at mid-level chains like Benetton, Esprit etc. But unfortunately, due to my good education, cable subscription and ability to travel I’m also very aware of what else is out there. When I go to five star hotels to use the loo I pass by the Louis Vuitton boutique and as much as I try I’m unable to avert my eyes. The budget hotels I stay at when travelling are usually heart-breakingly close to posh 7 stars. The Travel and Living Channel has brought into my bedroom a whole new world of wine and cheeses. And what can I say about VH1’s Fabulous Life? It just makes you realise how not fabulous your own life is and how it would be better to just end it.

At such a time, if a rich person with a quirky sense of humour decided to part over a small teeny tiny bit of his or health towards me, imagine my happiness! And if you can make even one person happy, isn’t it worth it?

So you’ve got a gist of what I’m talking about. Small desires, big dreams, your list can include anything. It’s about putting ideas out there, it’s about saying what’s in your heart, it’s about making a start.

I would also like to request everyone to maintain a few seconds of silence to grieve the loss of Max, George Clooney's pet pig. (Actually you probably have been silently reading all this time so it's alright then, you may talk.)

George, I'd like you to know that at this difficult time, I'm here for you and am willing to comfort you in any fashion you'd like. If you're feeling the loss of your dear pet, I'm willing to hang with you in your house and punctuate my conversation with an oink oink here and an oink oink there. I know its a little unorthodox, I'm just saying...

Also a special shout out for my friend Rocket, who's birthday it is today. Have a good one darling!!!!!

Posted by that girl in pink  | 1:49 PM  |  42 comments