life through pink colour glasses: Confessions of a Convertee

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Confessions of a Convertee

For as long as I can remember I’ve had a not-so-secret dislike for kids. No, I wasn’t bitten by one when I was little, nor were there any incidents of my getting stuck in a lift with a child leading to long-term trauma. Although if that happened to me now, I know without doubt I’d prefer eating through the metal gates to spending 5 minutes in a closed space with a brat. (Oh! The thought of it makes my head spin.) No, my reasons for wanting to issue restraining orders on all kids are quite simple: they’re annoying - ratio of annoyingness usually inversely proportional to age; they run around which can lead to entanglement with legs, further leading to disastrous accidents; they shriek; they ask too many questions; and every child comes with a set of doting parents who think their child can do no wrong, which means while the little chump has the right to run all over my house like a hurricane all I get to do is sit back and slowly grit my entire set of teeth to a fine powder.

But lately, I’ve had a change of heart. Having had the opportunity to spend some time with some of them, I have actually begun to see that they’re not so bad. While all above disqualifications still stand, I am forced to concede that children do have some use. And I’m talking real live children here, not just the sleeping angels from Anne Geddes cards.

So the next time you’re in the vicinity of a child there’s no need to run in the opposite direction, (or if you belong to the child lover category –there’s no need to get your knees dirty and start talking baby-talk to the child who understands it as well as he understands Swahili.) Here are some solid, tried and tested and extremely useful ways you can make your time with a child work in your favour.

Children and their uses:

Children as entertainers: There comes a stage when all a child wants to do is dance. Put on the latest dance hit and the child’s body will automatically start moving to the music. Being small and plump they look rather funny (some call it cute) doing this and make for great entertainment when you’re completely bored.
Appendix: This stage tends to pass rather quickly (2 days) as they soon become “conscious” and will only dance at their own will. If you catch a child who’s still not crossed over to the conscious stage, I suggest you get your entertainment quick or there will be none to have.

Children as blame takers: He he he he! This one’s a gem! See, no one will ever be openly mad at a child who’s dropped ketchup on their lace tablecloth or broken their imported crystal. So the next time you inadvertently cause an accident just put on a sad smile and point to the nearest child. What are they gonna do, question the little angel? No way! And even if they do, it’s not like the child can defend itself. And if the child is a little extra smart and starts vehemently denying it, quickly jump in and offer to clean up the mess. Trouble averted, blame passed on, problem solved and the best part – you’re the hero who helped in clearing up!

Children as get away tools: Ever been at a really boring family friends type dinner? The kind you’d never go to unless there was serious parental or parental in law emotional blackmail. “Everyone is coming. Kinu and her husband have come down from the States and her mother said she was asking about you.” So anyway, this is what I do when I enter these potentially coma inducing parties. Volunteer to look after the kids! Which most often means I get to sit in a room with a big bed, a TV and a big bowl of chips. Sure I have to share the room with a gaggle of screaming bachchas but that’s infinitely preferable to listening to Kinu go on about her trip to Lake Tahoe in a half Punjabi, half American accent.

Children as ego-boosters: Sure kids today are smart and all, but the fact is that a 3 year old will always be dumber than you. So anytime you’re sick of hanging around people much smarter than yourself, strike up a conversation with a child. You’ll know bigger words, be able to do much tougher mental math and will always walk away feeling wiser. And therefore happier.
Appendix: This tenet is to be used only on children below the age of 6. After that there’s a possibility that the child will be smarter than you and could lead to results opposite to those intended.

Children as attractiveness increasers: Single? Looking to be noticed in a crowd of much better looking people? Borrow a niece or nephew and go to the mall. If you’re a guy, stand in a cinema ticket queue with the child and ask him or sweetly if he or she wants to see Ice Age 2 or Nanny McPhee (Later you can go ahead and buy tickets for Basic Instinct or whatever catches your fancy, this is just for effect.) Pretty girls standing nearby will ooh and aah over the child and think you’re sweetest for bringing it out.
If you’re a girl, let the child run loose for a couple of seconds in a Nike store. Encourage it to bump into cute guy trying on sneakers. Then you go over and apologise profusely, while constantly smiling. Eye contact achieved. Mission successful.

These are more or less the main uses one can derive from children. There are a couple of others - you can dump food you don’t like on their plates, eat food you like off theirs, feel like an artist by perfectly colouring between the lines in their colouring books…and what else…umm yeah I think that about covers it.

For any parents who might be reading this, please don’t be offended. Of course I wasn’t talking about your child! Your kid’s an angel.

Posted by that girl in pink | 12:08 AM | 36 comments

36 Comments

at 9:13 AM Jenn said...: When I first starting reading this post I was afraid that you had gone over to the other side - all mush and baby talk and goo over the sweet kiddie poos (I have a friend like that and yes, it makes me grit my teeth into a fine powder).

Then...when you came up with actual uses, AHAHAHAHAHA - hilarious!

I should show this to my sister who grits her teeth everytime we go to a shopping mall and the brats are running round wild. You wish for the good old Oliver Twist workhouse days when all this energy could have been put to good use.

In some workhouse.
at 10:14 AM Grey Shades said...: Lol! Picking on kids now are we? ;)
at 10:39 AM Hyde said...: Children as blame-takers? Think again!

Next time a blame-taker "accidentally" steps on your toes, just go back a little in time.
at 12:12 PM Rohini said...: Just for fun, let me disabuse you of some of your rosy 'pink' illusions:

Entertainers: Most of the time, the kid has absolutely no interest in performing for an audience. And all you really get to see is parents whining: "Beta, show aunty your dance or sing a song for aunty"

Blame takers: This one works! My husband uses it all the time.

Getaway Tools: The way I see it, Kinu's drone would be a getaway from the kid!

Ego boosters: You don't feel so smart when they ask you some unanswerable question like "Aunty, why is the sky blue?" And even if they don't, isn't been smarter than a 3-year old a bit like being slimmer than a sumo wrestler ;)

Attractive increasers: If a man sees you with a kid, he is most likely to assume you are the mother and run in the opposite direction. Or he might be into older, married women in which case, you might be the one doing the running!
at 3:15 PM Vijayeta said...: Oh I agree wholeheartedly! With you and with Jenn too. Too bad the Oliver Twist style workhouses are gone. But thank god for Boarding Schools! Great place to send away those horrid monsters when they're young, fat and annoying and you dont have to bother seeing their faces everyday or help them do their stupid homework etc. They return at age 17 when they're more groomed in social skills and don't go about embarrassing themselves as much by jumping on furniture etc.
And they're entertainers, no doubt! And not in the way uncles and auntyjis tell kids to dance... There's so much more one can do. Like giving them things like condoms to play with, and teaching them to show the middle finger and say "Fuck Off" whenever someone screams at them.
Blame takers? Always and forever! Since they're here, might as well serve a purpose. And its easier to believe that a 2 yr old would break the china than a 27 yr old. And you get to give the kid disapproving looks as well. For a reason!
And if they step on your toes "Accidentally", you can do so right back. Equally "accidentally"!
Hehehe!
at 3:18 PM goldennib said...: Being a mother myself, you might think I'd disagree with you, but I don't. While I love my daughter dearly, I liked her better the older she got. And if you want to put me to sleep, just discuss how cute your baby's latest poop fest was to you.

Unrelated: I did see Bride and Prejudice a couple of weeks ago and it was fun. I have a question *waves hand in the air like a geek* No one in the movie kissed. You know in an American movie, they'd be slobbering all over each other. Do Indians not kiss in front of others?
at 3:28 PM verbaltorture said...: ROTFL

Sitting in a room with gaggling kids is infinitely better than listening to Kini describe her trip to Lake Tahoe

-- Absolootely perfect!

Neways, I'm single (and with or without kids around, never got attention from too many hotties) and lovin' it. My only interaction with kids is when I chit-chat or feed chocolates to the neighbour's children...Which is when they are at their best behaviour.

SO I'm good....err..for now !
at 4:36 PM Cyberswami said...: okay so you seem to be the pro. you might be able to help.

what do you do when you've got a couple of these whiny bastards sitting next to you (or within a few rows of you) on a 12 hour flight?

please help me. please.
at 5:11 PM Jenn said...: Hey, can I backslide? I was walking along the terribly elegant streets of Bangsar, thinking about your post and I stopped short and nearly body slammed into one of the well heeled who congregate there.

Shameful admission: I absolutely adore two kids. My little sister (who was born unbratty) and a friend's kid who is the only one I have ever volunteered to babysit. What can I say, the two of them make me feel so loved.

And then, and then, and then...I started thinking of all those exceptions to the rule I actually liked and had long meaningful chats about Harry Potter with...and hid my head in shame. A traitor to the cause.

Although...I still hate it when friends go on and on about their little darlings.

"Aiyo you know what my Rahel did yesterday ah? So clever the girl. And she is so pretty too, no? The prettiest in her class."

Nessa: They cannot slobber over each other in Indian movies. Faces sort of come together and the girl always turns at the last moment so the guy kisses her cheek instead.
at 11:07 PM that girl in pink said...: jenn of the changing heart:): well sure all kids are not horrors and individually most of them can actually be quite ok. but its their intrinsic high reserves of energy that gets to me. the running, the screaming, the incessant questioning, its enough to wear anyone down!
and so true about parents going on about the genius of their off spring. i think that's something only another parent can get and appreciate. leave us non procreating types out of it please!

grey shades : i am a bit of a coward eh, picking on little defensless kiddos. what to do, they're such easy targets! :)

hyde : he he! i think vijayeta answered that very well!

rohini: man, you're right! guess that means they're completely without any advantages! :)

vijayeta:"teaching them to show the middle finger and say "Fuck Off" whenever someone screams at them." LOL. you're terrible!!!!

nessa: ha ha ha! was laughing at your query about indians kissing. well, we do kiss, but kissing on the lips is usually done privately, behind closed doors. don't ask my why! also, kissing in movies was highly tabboo till a while back. only recently are some actors puckering up for the camera. but stars like aishwarya rai, with her goody goody image, would never concede to smooching.
p.s. bride & prejudice isn't a very good indian movie to watch. i could reccomend some others if you'd be interested.

VT: its best you keep your interaction with kids to the minimum. too much of even a good thing can be bad...

cyber: ok, 12 hour flight...means its an int'l flight...which means there's alcohol available. now here's the plan-just donate a few drops towards their juice of coke or cerelac or whatever and you'd be assured of a peaceful flight. trust me, its worth sacrificing the booze for a screech free flight!
at 11:44 PM lemontree said...: and children as the reason why we could catch up on the mobile while kinu narrates her story lol

nice take on the brats
at 11:46 PM lemontree said...: i always thought children should be born as teenagers.

have to confess till my niece was born- but she is so the exception.

all the others continue to be as irritating as they ever were
at 12:52 AM Nautilus said...: I totally understand your dislike for kids...I used to be so kid-phobic that when I got pregnant everyone thought I had lost my mind! But they're okay...

Entertainers: Yes, all the time, even when you don't need entertainment *sigh*

Blame Takers: Till very recently, souse could pass off all blames on the poor darling who couldn't defend himself :-)

Get away tools : Oh we use this all the time. To escape from any boring party we say that baby is crying at home and we need to rush! :-)

Ego-boosters: Hmmm...this one's tough. Most of the time I feel like a complete idiot because the questions he asks is getting increasingly difficult day by day :-(

Attractiveness Increasers: I doubt this one slightly! Yes, women fawn over cute kids...so if you're a guy with baby there might be some chance. But men in general stay miles away from a woman with a kid!

Good post btw.
at 3:56 AM goldennib said...: Pink: I'd love some movie recommendations. I'm horrible with the names of things, but I saw a movie once which I think was fairly well known about a woman who became one of the harem of the king. Her cousin became the queen or first wife. The king hated his wife and was insanely in love with his concubine. She on the other hand ended up falling in love with someone else. They were going to run away together, but got caught and I think killed, maybe not killed. Does it sound familiar? All actors were Indian. I'm using the wrong terms for everything, so I apologize. But it was a good movie.

I was going to suggest alcohol for the 12 hour flight, too, but that would be wrong (he, he.) Use Benedryl instead.
at 10:53 AM Cyberswami said...: a genius.
thank you.
at 3:55 PM Lalit Singh said...: Pink
M sitting in the office n laughing my guts out!!!
Damn i never knew u cd use children for so many good things...
Basically, i love children.. for excatly 3 minutes from the time i am introduced to one...then the trouble starts... but now i see i have more to look fwd to
at 7:25 PM Arunima said...: Now, my secret is out why I love kids below 4. I don't trust myself on kids between 4 and 6. I do my ego boozing and ego boosting only with kids below 4. lol!
at 11:48 AM Harjee Kapur said...: what about the child inside you?
everyone has one...
at 1:05 AM the wannabe indian punkster said...: ohhhhh, thank you!

the next time I am forced to go to Bubli aunty's house for a 'pre-diwali' party, I'll offer to baby sit the kids. Bubli aunty and her horrendous 'my child is in New Zealand: such a brave thing to do' stories makes me wanna down two bottles of tequila to drown out her voice.

So yayyy, thanks again!
at 9:13 AM Deepali said...: i used to know good well behaved kids- very rare but nonetheless one or two did exist.

It seems only brats are born nowadays - makes me want to give one tight chaanta to every whiny back-answering rude 8-9 year old who won't clean the room because she/he doesn't 'feel like it' and 'it must be respected'.
Actually no the slap should be reserved for the parents who let them get away with this.
at 11:55 AM lemontree said...: goldennibb: I think you are talking about Kamasutra

pink: (i know i shouldn't yet but) please write something new
at 12:40 PM Harjee Kapur said...: http://madamemahima.blogspot.com

methinks you'll like & relate
at 2:40 PM goldennib said...: Lemontree, that is the movie I saw.
at 10:17 AM Grey Shades said...: Tsk tsk... Whats the world come to! ;)
at 3:58 PM Madame Mahima said...: harjee thanks for the shoutout!
hehehehe you are EEEEEVIL especially about children being blame-takers!
what if you take your little cousin/nephew/niece to the mall and guys avoid you coz they think the kid is yours?!
they are definitely ego boosters tho...gosh they way they look at you...i even got one telling me that she saw me in 'that hindi film'
i just nodded sagely and said 'yes. that was me.'
KIDS.
at 9:28 AM that girl in pink said...: hi lemon! you're right, neices and nephews tend to bring about a change of heart. maybe it has something to do with the whole "blood thicker than water" thing.

nautilius: the other day my 2 year old neice and i were reading the cover of Filmfare and she was so impressed when i recognised all the letters on the cover for her! then we opened it and she recognised every actor inside! it was then my turn to be impressed and also a little shocked.

goldennib:will keep in mind the benadryl suggestion. :)

cyberswami:you're welcome. ;)

lalit: i can understand the 3 minute limit!

arunima: actually i think the period between 1 to 3 is the best. they're entertaining and not too annoying.

harjee: the child inside me? oh yeah its very much there and shows up when i'm surrounded by other little ones.

megha: anytime darling!

dee: i know man! they grow up so fast and speak like little adults & frankly its all very eerie!

mahima: ooh! a fan club:) so which actress did she think u resembled?
at 5:01 PM Aqua said...: a cute post...yes kids do have their uses

my lil one is curently in the "dancing' mode :)
at 3:58 PM WishfulThinker said...: HAhahahahaha!!! This one had me in splits! Im kinda ambivalent on my attitude towards kids meself...as long as they're peeing on someone else they're the cutest! And I so totally agree with you on the age 6 limit for smartness!! *walking away before saying too much*
at 10:34 AM Anonymous said...: Why do you waste time like this, dont you have anything else to do? You are a pseudo-creative writer. You write whimsical bullshit - endless, pointless jabberwocky. Fuck more than you write, you'll be fine. You are just a spoilt person who doesn't know what he wants.
at 3:56 AM goldennib said...: Pink: You write whatever you damn well please.
at 10:56 AM that girl in pink said...: aqua : the dancing phase is the cutest! my neice has had us in raptures with her fabuluous moves. only problem is that everytime we bring out the video camera she totally stiffens up!

wishfulthinker: ;-)it's a generation thing. they're just coming out way smarter!
at 11:12 AM that girl in pink said...: dear anonymous,

i write what i write. i'm curious to know why YOU read what i write. it would be somewhat (only somewhat) understandable if you'd stumbled upon this one post, read it, been thoroughly disgusted, vented anonymously in my comments section and then fucked off to never show your face again.
but you've actually gone and read older posts & even left comments there. strange behaviour, wouldn't you say?

another thing, i'm called that girl in pink. and yet you say You are just a spoilt person who doesn't know what he wants. well, i may not know what i want but at least i know what pronoun to use for a girl. so in terms of "knowing" things i'm anyway miles ahead of you.

one last thing, do take your own advice and maybe then you'll be fine.
at 12:34 PM Lady Writer said...: Spot on, especially on the attractiveness-increasing factor. You've missed one, though -- Children as bartenders. For details, click here: http://www.mcsweeneys.net/2005/11/22lisabrown.html
at 7:14 PM lakeside ling said...: FANTASTIC POST! You verbalized all the little guilty gremlin sentences I NEVER.
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