• The Lion. No prizes for guessing whom I’m referring to here. The Big Boss with the roomy cabin and the plush sofas. The Lion usually has disdain on his face and contempt in his heart for the rest of the lesser beings in his lair. Nevertheless, he will pad through the jungle at least once a day, ostensibly to see if all’s ok with the tribe. In reality he does so to roar a couple of times and put the fear of exile in the many quivering hearts around office.

• Fixing a meeting with the lion is usually more difficult than actually sitting through it. That’s because guarding him at all times is the most deadly of all office beings, his secretary or The Lioness. Daunting, rude, temperamental and almost always of Anglo-Indian descent, the Lioness is the toughest animal to crack. Befriend her and you can be assured of a smooth stay in the jungle. Get on her wrong side and every late entry, every extra pen requisitioned and absolutely every wrong move is duly noted and stored as future ammunition.
  I once did the English homework of the daughter of one such lioness. Although it went against one of my top 10 principles (You know, the popular ‘Thou shalt not to do others’ homework’ one), doing her homework gave me unimaginable clout, so much, that when I left, she made sure I got my settlement cheque within a day. There are people I know of who are still waiting for theirs.

• The Elephant. This is one of the nicest creatures in the jungle and if you’re working under an Elephant, you’ll probably do well. Intelligent, graceful and well established, the elephant will let you do what you have to with just the right amount of guidance. There’s also this air of stability to the elephant that’s reassuring and you can be sure that it’ll never try to pull one over you, just for the glory.

• The Fox. Wily, cunning and quick to take ownership of a job well done, the Fox is also lovingly called the Bitch. The speciality of this animal is in its ability to be everywhere at the same time. It sniffs out important projects and then sniffs up the asses of important people. A shiny coat or big bright eyes add to it’s attractiveness to the upper management. You may hate the Fox but it’s usually too quick for you to catch and is known to thrive well in the jungle.

• The Squirrel. Quick hi, run down the stairs, quick how you doing, don’t wait for reply, rush into cubicle, talk fast, interrupt others, answer frenzied phone calls, gulp coffee, leave food uneaten, dash, rush. What the fuck are you in such a hurry for? Everyone knows you handle one client who comes alive once a year. Why don’t you just go to hell? And hurry!!

• Where there’s the Squirrel, there’s The Sloth. Slow to the point of exasperation, this creature lives in a time zone of its own and no amount of screaming, begging or threatening will get it to move faster. Usually in charge of seemingly unimportant things like pasting or despatch, the sloth makes its importance felt by making you stay in office till 3 in the morning, while it pastes two ads onto some thick paper. Sometimes it becomes completely still and needs to be poked to check if it’s still alive. Unfortunately, it always is.

• The Chimp. That’s the obnoxious melodramatic one who screams loudly; thumps his chest madly, bounds from one place to another and generally makes a nuisance of himself. He’s always the first to snatch your food when no one’s looking, bum endless cigarettes and at any office party, behaves like a total monkey. Sometimes good for some comic relief the chimp is mostly just a carrier of lice and dirt and is best kept at a very long arm’s distance.

• The Jackal. Beware of this breed of scavengers. All day it does nothing but trail behind others and then feed off their hunt. It’s not very ambitious but has a strong survival instinct and will do anything to stay in the jungle. Jackals will find each other and bond quickly and then continue their foraging activities in packs. You’ll find this creature poking its nose where it has no business but before you can confront it, it slyly slinks away in search for its next meal.

• The Migratory Bird. Some people just can’t stay in one place for too long. They come in with huge fanfare, stick around while the going’s good and take off as soon as greener pastures beckon.

• The little birds, worms and other beasts. Every jungle has them, as does every office. Creatures whose jobs are important for the smooth functioning of the office, although nobody’s quite sure what exactly they do. They come in at 9 and leave at 5, and the kind of industry they belong to usually has no bearing on their work. Most offices have them in abundance but in times of a drought, they’re the first to go.
  

People in offices tend to stick with their kind. Be it a common language, an overseas boyfriend issue or a sense of snobbery towards others that binds them together, you will always find office folks in packs, twittering with each other in a language only they can understand. As for me, the newest animal to join this wild bunch, I’m still finding my place around here and wondering every now and then…did I have to step out into the wild or was I just better off as a lone eagle flying where I wanted to, no rules, no colleagues, just the freedom of the wide open sky.

Posted by that girl in pink  | 4:41 pm  |  44 comments